November 19, 2014

the girl who hated november, a poem

(alternately titled: "the girl who loved january, february, march, april, may, june, july, august, september, october & december but NOT november!!! ugh!!! we should all just totally kill november!!")


there once was a girl who hated november,
when october would end, with a shiver she'd tremor (and not just because last night was halloween and it was spooky! even though she totally went to a haunted house with mark on halloween and she pretended to act more scared than she was and he like gave her his jacket and ALMOST held her hand but then a skeleton jumped out at him- seriously, mark? a skeleton? whatever he's cute though)
slowly and sadly she'd take down decorations
and mentally prepare for the november duration.
"i mean, who invented november?" she huffed with a sigh,
"it should go from october, straight to the bearded guy!
november's SO lame- now I have to wait a whole month,
to get my new laptop and Jimmy Choo pumps!!
there's a reason for the "n" and "o" in your name: 
because NObody wants you, you shouldn't have came! 
and while we're at it, march should go too- 
my birthday's in april and that just WON'T do. 
I can't have a whole month stealing my thunder! 
we'll have the first two months, then april, then october, then decunder! (december. it's a poem go with it.)
may through to august are too hot and too stuffy,
they make me all sweaty and my hair goes all puffy.
september's a given, who wants school anyway?
I learned all I need to from KUWTK*.
now that I think of it, jan & feb are a bummer! 
can I get rid of those, and take back the summer?
probs just july and I'll get a quick tan,
 while I hit up the beach and snag me a man!
I'll say bye-bye to mark, that little scaredy-cat,
he can take october with him- all that candy makes me fat.
so now that leaves april, july and december,
and winter is cool, but there's this time I remember:
when I wanted a doll but my aunt gave me SOCKS,
man, sometimes christmas totally sucks!!! 
I guess it's between my birth and july,
but if I keep having birthdays, then someday I'll die!!
so if I take that away, I'll just live forever
on a beach in the sun with the hottie Heath Ledger!"

so there once was girl who hated the entire calendar,
she also didn't know Heath Ledger died in 2008 so please, i beg of you, don't tell her.

*Keeping up with the Kardashians
 



November 17, 2014

untitled screenplay #2

INT. on a couple sitting on a bench. The silence is deafening, so the girl decides to break the ice.

GIRL: Want to hear a joke?
GUY: Sure!
GIRL: Knock, knock...
GUY: Who's there?
GIRL: Oh, haha, it's me, Sarah? I know you said you were sick but I thought I would bring you some soup! Hehe
GUY: Sarah! Hi. Umm... thanks, but now's not really a good time, I'm feeling super shitty and-
A WOMAN'S VOICE OFF CAMERA INTERRUPTS GUY.
GIRL #2: HOney who is it!?!
GIRL: OMG is there someone in there with you???
GUY: I uh-
GIRL #2 SLIDES ONTO THE BENCH LIKE SHE FUCKING OWNS THE PLACE AND SHE'S DRESSED IN JUST A TOWEL LIKE IT'S NOVEMBER??? ACTUALLY NO GET HYPOTHERMIA SEE IF I CARE. GOD. ANYWAYS SO GIRL #1 IS ALL:
GIRL: WTF Jeremy! 
GIRL #2: Can we hELP you???
GIRL: *sobs* Orange you glad I didn't say banana...

END SCENE.

November 16, 2014

hello this is dog

get it
because I changed my URL
because this blog was the farthest thing from a fashion blog
because I am the farthest thing from a human
because I am mostly dog
because I am typing this with my paws, humming "if I only had some thumbs" to the tune of "if I only had a brain" from the wizard of oz - toto is a distant relative, rip -
because I am a singing dog
(which is somewhat more impressive than a dog with the ability to operate a computer and run a blog apparently)
(but not quite as impressive as a CELLO playing dog with the ability to do his own taxes DAMN YOU CARL stealin my thunder for 36 dog years you son of a bitch)
but hey
what can you do
I am just a young adult dog
and this is my young adult blog