April 01, 2015

april cools

here's another monthly playlist and tbh i think it's my best yet like take a god dang LISTEN to this you guys. set aside some time, put this playlist on and go for a long ass walk in the forest or down a busy street where all you can hear is the music. this is all i've been listening to and it rules. enjoy the first day of april FEELIN'. VERY. COOL. speaking of april i also just uploaded a new video to my channel so you can watch that here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGfyHhlwZwg


 

March 31, 2015

lemme update ya

    In the time since I've last posted I can assure you I've stayed the exact same. But at least I'm being consistent, right? Consistency is key. I made a banana smoothie tonight and it was a really great consistency and I thought to myself "consistency is key" so that's why I said that. It's true.
    I've been listening to a lot of classic rock lately. A lot of Styx. Basically just Styx. I think it's because I miss my father or the father I wish I had. I wish Dennis DeYoung was my dad Glen Burtnik can fuck right off. Real dad if you read this, where are you? I'd love to meet you some day and ditch Glen Burtnik once and for all.
    I went on a run today this is not an April Fool's joke I'm probably going to do it again on April Fool's day which also won't be a joke. I never joke about exercise. Mostly because I don't like talking about it in general; makes me feel weird and I don't understand any of it. Also, I've been enjoying eating very clean, green and jumbleen even though last week I made a video in which I professed my love for binge eating Cool Ranch Doritos (this blog post is sponsored by Doritoes and I'm getting paid a lot of money to write it sry that's why it;s so professional :P) so I will probably continue eating healthy and nice so I can look healthy and nice for my roommate and her boyfriend. Speaking of videos I recently surpassed 25,000 subscribers on YouTube and all I can say about that is WOW!! About fucking time. Jesus. Anyway I decided I love my dad, Glen Burtnik, again.
    Hmmmm, what else... Each night before I fall asleep I go through how I would murder my upstairs neighbours? Nah, that's boring you don't want to hear about that. You want to hear about my dad again? My father papa? Papa, can you hear me? I love my Barbara mom. I've always wished I was Jewish that's probably the most serious thing I've ever said.
    I check my phone 98% of the day and I'm getting kind of worried for myself but your consistent fav's and RT's get me through the day. Popularity is key. Consistency isn't key anymore. Remember that.
    Think I might take up rapping soon.
    My brother and his girlfriend are my only friends but that's ok because there are a lot of people here and I just remembered I don't really like people in quantities. Quan Titties. Asian kitties. That meant to say titties but my laptop did NOT like that one, lemme tell ya. Anyhootie and the blowfish, that's about it for now!! When I think of other things to say I'll get back to you because that's what the internet is for.
    Night night, Grammy!

January 20, 2015

yes i VAN

that title made more sense in my head. like yes i CAN because i just moved out of my cozy, loving, secure house away from my parents to VANcouver and i need constant validation or else i'll cry haha ok you're right it's not funny when you have to explain it. after living on my own COMPLETELY WITHOUT A ROOMMATE TOTALLY ALONE HERE (ok i have a roommate but she won't come out of her room to dance even though i hummed really loud whitney houston's "i wanna dance with somebody" and A GOOD ROOMMATE WOULD NOTICE AND DO THE FREAKIN' SHIMMY. but anyways she's like a scholar, or whatever. so it's just me. we're lucky we got a place that's pet friendly or else what the hell would i do. because i'm a dog remember) i've noticed 5 things. yes 5. i just decided now that there will be five. i also just noticed these things.

  1. food is expensive af so cut your tomatoes as thinly as possible to save food. like so thin. so thin you cut air and you're not actually cutting your tomato and then when you think you need to grocery shopping you remember, wait i totally have that tomato i pretended to eat!! SCORE!! then you die of malnutrition
  2. LISTEN. i get it. you LOVE PLAYING WITH YOUR KIDS YOU'RE AN AWESOME, LOVING FAMILY. but HOW ABOUT just HOW ABOUT put on a pair of GOD DAMN SLIPPERS WHEN YOU RUN AROUND YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE ABOVE ME WHILE I'M TRYING TO RE-WATCH DAWSON'S CREEK. or MAYBE get your kid a BOOK OR SOMETHING NORMAL AND STOP ALLOWING HIM TO PLAY WITH MARBLES so he stops dropping them on your HARDWOOD floor. first of all this isn't 1923 and secondly HELLO CHOKING HAZARD WOW ACTUALLY YOU WEREN'T THE PARENTS I THOUGHT YOU WERE YOU DISGUST ME.  also he one of your kids sounds like he's actually dying up there etc etc
  3. note to self: even though you love dogs unnaturally, it doesn't mean you will get a job walking and petting them. but i will keep trying
  4. oh i will keep trying
  5. legs are cool and good for walking?? like everywhere. gonna be so jacked after this full meal of air and walking literally 2342 miles
tomorrow is basically my OFFICIAL full week of living independently and i can safely say that wine is FINE after like a week or so of opening it and rice crisps for every meal IS a well balanced diet.

also here is me yesterday

also here is me a minute ago

also here is me in REAL TIME MODE 
video

so (club) life's (going) looking up

November 19, 2014

the girl who hated november, a poem

(alternately titled: "the girl who loved january, february, march, april, may, june, july, august, september, october & december but NOT november!!! ugh!!! we should all just totally kill november!!")


there once was a girl who hated november,
when october would end, with a shiver she'd tremor (and not just because last night was halloween and it was spooky! even though she totally went to a haunted house with mark on halloween and she pretended to act more scared than she was and he like gave her his jacket and ALMOST held her hand but then a skeleton jumped out at him- seriously, mark? a skeleton? whatever he's cute though)
slowly and sadly she'd take down decorations
and mentally prepare for the november duration.
"i mean, who invented november?" she huffed with a sigh,
"it should go from october, straight to the bearded guy!
november's SO lame- now I have to wait a whole month,
to get my new laptop and Jimmy Choo pumps!!
there's a reason for the "n" and "o" in your name: 
because NObody wants you, you shouldn't have came! 
and while we're at it, march should go too- 
my birthday's in april and that just WON'T do. 
I can't have a whole month stealing my thunder! 
we'll have the first two months, then april, then october, then decunder! (december. it's a poem go with it.)
may through to august are too hot and too stuffy,
they make me all sweaty and my hair goes all puffy.
september's a given, who wants school anyway?
I learned all I need to from KUWTK*.
now that I think of it, jan & feb are a bummer! 
can I get rid of those, and take back the summer?
probs just july and I'll get a quick tan,
 while I hit up the beach and snag me a man!
I'll say bye-bye to mark, that little scaredy-cat,
he can take october with him- all that candy makes me fat.
so now that leaves april, july and december,
and winter is cool, but there's this time I remember:
when I wanted a doll but my aunt gave me SOCKS,
man, sometimes christmas totally sucks!!! 
I guess it's between my birth and july,
but if I keep having birthdays, then someday I'll die!!
so if I take that away, I'll just live forever
on a beach in the sun with the hottie Heath Ledger!"

so there once was girl who hated the entire calendar,
she also didn't know Heath Ledger died in 2008 so please, i beg of you, don't tell her.

*Keeping up with the Kardashians
 



November 17, 2014

untitled screenplay #2

INT. on a couple sitting on a bench. The silence is deafening, so the girl decides to break the ice.

GIRL: Want to hear a joke?
GUY: Sure!
GIRL: Knock, knock...
GUY: Who's there?
GIRL: Oh, haha, it's me, Sarah? I know you said you were sick but I thought I would bring you some soup! Hehe
GUY: Sarah! Hi. Umm... thanks, but now's not really a good time, I'm feeling super shitty and-
A WOMAN'S VOICE OFF CAMERA INTERRUPTS GUY.
GIRL #2: HOney who is it!?!
GIRL: OMG is there someone in there with you???
GUY: I uh-
GIRL #2 SLIDES ONTO THE BENCH LIKE SHE FUCKING OWNS THE PLACE AND SHE'S DRESSED IN JUST A TOWEL LIKE IT'S NOVEMBER??? ACTUALLY NO GET HYPOTHERMIA SEE IF I CARE. GOD. ANYWAYS SO GIRL #1 IS ALL:
GIRL: WTF Jeremy! 
GIRL #2: Can we hELP you???
GIRL: *sobs* Orange you glad I didn't say banana...

END SCENE.

November 16, 2014

hello this is dog

get it
because I changed my URL
because this blog was the farthest thing from a fashion blog
because I am the farthest thing from a human
because I am mostly dog
because I am typing this with my paws, humming "if I only had some thumbs" to the tune of "if I only had a brain" from the wizard of oz - toto is a distant relative, rip -
because I am a singing dog
(which is somewhat more impressive than a dog with the ability to operate a computer and run a blog apparently)
(but not quite as impressive as a CELLO playing dog with the ability to do his own taxes DAMN YOU CARL stealin my thunder for 36 dog years you son of a bitch)
but hey
what can you do
I am just a young adult dog
and this is my young adult blog